Sources confirmed yesterday that area woman [redacted for privacy]'s life is not entirely ideal in every particular.
"This came as a shock to a lot of us," says one, rolling his eyes. "Wait, no it didn't. God, duhh."
In fact, the only person who seemed surprised by the news was the woman herself. "I should have expected this information when I realized my house doesn't look like a Pottery Barn catalogue and my life wasn't following the plot of a rom-com." Still, the ideas that life has hardships that must be met and faced, and that sometimes good intentions do not yield good results, that people occasionally disagree and even argue with their loved ones, and that hoping for things does not make them happen, were hard ones to accept.
"It's not faaaaaaaaiiiiiiir!" the woman was quoted as saying. "I haaaaaaaate it."
She was then shocked that whining like a two-year-old did not yield any measurable results. "Fine! I guess I'll just deal with this by writing spoof articles that aren't good enough for The Onion! That will show them!"
Just what it will show, and to whom, was not made clear.