Okay, yes, I watched Waitress. Any distress I feel is of course my own fault. I caved! I wanted to see Nathan Fillion playing a straight romantic hero, instead of an anti-hero, or a tool-hero, or a goofy, womanizing hero. Surely it will be interesting to watch him play straight, I thought. It wasn’t like I paid any money for the privilege.
And, okay, I did not hate Waitress. I don’t think it was worth two hours of my life, but I didn’t hate it. I learned things from it! It was like going to school. You learn stuff, but not necessarily true stuff, or stuff you want to know, or stuff you’ll ever use again, and it takes much longer than it’s worth. Actually, the way I felt about this movie was more like a Bible-thumper going to an evolutionary biology class. Or an atheist going to a Bible study.
Okay, maybe I hated it a little. But here are the things I learned. (Spoilers abound.)
1) If thou art pregnant, thou shalt deliver. No matter how much you don’t want a baby, no matter what sort of environment you’re living in, no matter any other circumstances in your life, abortion is absolutely off the table. Having no money is no excuse to get rid of an unwanted baby. Being unable to make sense of your life is no excuse. Not feeling ready to take on the task of motherhood is no excuse. An abusive rapist of a husband is no excuse. Pregnancy means birth, dammit, and your feelings and circumstances are immaterial.
2) Once thou deliverest, thou shalt adore thy baby, forever and ever amen. Giving birth is magical, and no matter what your feelings were before or during your pregnancy, when you get the baby you will have no mixed feelings whatsoever, but be filled with all-consuming love.
3) Having thy baby will give thee the strength and courage to fix any problems in thy life, and will also potentially bring thee financial gain. Because giving birth makes you exhausted and in need of rest and relaxation in a really powerful, feminist way. Always. No matter what your previous feelings or behavior might have been.
4) Afterbirth is totally for sissies. Never happens to you if you’re pretty, or Southern, or both. Also, the first sign of impending birth is not contractions, but your water breaking.
5) If thou requesteth drugs of thy doctor, and thy doctor giveth thee drugs not, thou shalt never bring it up again, and it really maketh no difference at all. A request for drugs is the kind of thing doctors should take lightly from a woman in labor (especially if he's sleeping with her) and they should really just not listen when she talks at all!
6) Thy abusive husband shall always take it crazy well when thou deliverest his baby and then immediately after requesteth divorce papers. Abusive husbands totally listen to you and believe you, they never try to bully you, they put up only a slight fuss and then they disappear from your life. They will never stalk you, or threaten you, or harm you, or make life difficult in any way (besides moderately financially) despite what their behavior up to this point might indicate.
7) Thou dost not need a man to be happy in life, so long as thou hast a baby. I mean, you are a woman, right? See above re: adoring the baby without any mixed feelings, and remember, you’re happier as a single mom than you ever could be alone.
8) Someone announcing after a five-minute date that he is wildly in love with thee, stalking thee at thy place of work, and refusing to leave when thou clearly asketh him to is great husband material. Especially when you can see the hell your best friends are going through with their abusive and unhappy marriages.
9) Boinking your married OB/GYN while you’re pregnant and have an abusive husband will never, ever backfire on you. In fact, it is the best plan ever, and will save you from yourself. Or something like that. Anyway, it’s okay to have an affair, just as long as you never ever have an abortion. Or even say the word “abortion.” That’s totally what makes bad people.
10) Nathan Fillion doth not in fact have chemistry with all members of the tribe of Woman. Thank you, Keri Russell, for being the exception. We can all rest easy again, now that that question has been answered and Nathan is no longer trying to eat her face. (Have a sandwich, dude. You’ll feel better.)