20 October 2010

The pressure to perform

I'm sick. So my brain isn't so much "blog-posty" as it is "mghslplojuhs-y"

But I wanted to make a post that wasn't a linky-link or a video (I've done that twice already, and it hasn't yet been a month)

And the reason I don't want to just post ANYthing is that I do take this blogging bit seriously, and with that seriousness comes my own standards for myself.

If I just wanted to say one funny sentence well, I have facebook for that. If I wanted to ramble about shit no one cared about, I'd post to my livejournal. If I wanted to hardcore whine about being sick (in a non-coherent fashion) I'd call someone I knew.

But this is a blog I committed to, and I want each post to be complete and good and perfect and wonderful and cause people to weep with passionate... something-er-other. You get the idea.

It occurs to me that there are a lot of things like this in my life. School was a huge one. I disliked homework for many MANY reasons, one small one was that it HAD TO BE GOOD. I mentally winced every time I thought of a teacher reading a paper of mine and thinking it wasn't very good. It made me feel really sickly bad when I got a D on an assignment (which happened ONCE, thankyouverymuch)

Then there's writing in general. I don't. Well, I should, and I want to, and I have lots of ideas - but I don't. And I'm not sure about why - fear of success? With Twilight such a hit, it's more possible than ever that I could make it big, right? Is it just that I'm tired all the time and when I have days off I like hanging out with people? eh, partly.

But a huge part is knowing I'm going to have to go through all that BAD writing. And not only will I have to write it, I'm going to have to READ it too. Gosh, I'll have to wince so hard at all that bad writing.

And so I don't write.

But I have this blog. This blog I committed to. This blog I really want to succeed. And I don't write, so obviously I don't have perfect wonderful gorgeous prose all prepped for it... and with this post, this on-the-fly non-prepped post - I stop that cycle.

This is not a perfect post. I enjoy it, because it's a bit meta (writing about how one does not write) but it's not the neat-o post I have started up in my head. And that's ok. Something is better than nothing, it's on time, and it's even sort of relatively cohesive.

I think, tonight, I will be ok with this post.

1 comment:

  1. Dammit, Fish. You went into my brain and stole my post! ;) Well said.