As you probably all know, I've been dealing with depression. Or Depression (capital D now that I'm on meds for it)
Over my birthday (happy birthday me!) I actually ended up getting a little depressed, and it was weird because it wasn't my usual brain-chemical depression, it was my good old friend Low Self-Esteem. I haven't seen this particular friend so cleary for such a long time that it took me two whole days to realize who it was that had me feeling so fragile the whole time.
With that being the background, here's what I came to say:
Everything takes practice.
When you have overcome a challenge, it is a victory. When you fail the same challenge later, your previous victory is not erased.
when you continue to flail and fail and spin out of control, it does not take away the fact that you have been here before, and you got out ok.
you will get out ok again.
this all takes practice.
Even after mastering the challenge and beating it time and time again, if you fail one time - it's ok. Everything takes practice.
Even if you are a pro, sometimes you still fuck up and that's ok.
This is true for probably mostly all things: Playing musical instruments, cooking, coping with mental illness, irrationalities, insecurities, inanities and insanities.
It's ok to be a beginner, an intermediate, a pro.
It's super-great if you get to pro right away. good on ya.
it's totally fine to start as a noob.
It's totally fine to take your time getting better.
It's totally fine to be really good, not practice, and then realize you suck a bit more then last time you tried it.
****
In short - it's been awhile since I've seen my insecurities so clearly - I'm not going to beat myself up for being back where I started. I'm going to give myself credit for the work I know I've done. I'll bookmark the fact that I still have more work to do.
And now, fuck this shit, I'm-a go watch Rupaul's Drag Race.
Firstly, happy birthday!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, I just wanted to send some transatlantic support going your way. Your post really struck some chords with me, too; it's really brave of you to face up to these insecurities.
So hurray for you!
This is the stuff I come up against that just fits so badly with how I like to think about things.
ReplyDeleteI like this idea of learning information, and I've always kind of memorized and understood information easily. Not all information (Faraday you prick) but it's safe to say that's the terms on which I want to deal with the world.
And this stuff lends itself incredibly poorly to that. I've had the same thoughts as this post, and I've put it to myself in the same way, and I nodded along when I was reading it, and yet, I can't behave in a way that shows I believe it's true. And when I try to verbalize the information that does guide my behavior ("NO I MUST BE PERFECT ALL THE TIME OR I DON'T DESERVE OXYGEN OR LOVE") it's not like I can't see the logical fallacy in it. And yet it won't let me go.
So yeah, I really sympathize with this. If you find a way to make it to the next step, where you can believe it all the time, let me know. But maybe the point is that you can't. And maybe one day I'll learn to accept THAT? Some of the time?
Anyway, what I mean by the ramble is thank you for sharing this with us. (Also happy birthday!)
Actually, becoming a pro right away isn't all it is cracked up to be. Failing is a big part of getting through anything, and it is a necessary one. Now it isn't true that every failure is a learning experience. Sometimes you just fuck up, and that's okay. But there are things in every field that can only be learned through failure. Ironically, the screw ups can give us a more complete picture of the endeavor and are sometimes the only way to advance.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding me of that, and happy birthday.