As you probably all know, I've been dealing with depression. Or Depression (capital D now that I'm on meds for it)
Over my birthday (happy birthday me!) I actually ended up getting a little depressed, and it was weird because it wasn't my usual brain-chemical depression, it was my good old friend Low Self-Esteem. I haven't seen this particular friend so cleary for such a long time that it took me two whole days to realize who it was that had me feeling so fragile the whole time.
With that being the background, here's what I came to say:
Everything takes practice.
When you have overcome a challenge, it is a victory. When you fail the same challenge later, your previous victory is not erased.
when you continue to flail and fail and spin out of control, it does not take away the fact that you have been here before, and you got out ok.
you will get out ok again.
this all takes practice.
Even after mastering the challenge and beating it time and time again, if you fail one time - it's ok. Everything takes practice.
Even if you are a pro, sometimes you still fuck up and that's ok.
This is true for probably mostly all things: Playing musical instruments, cooking, coping with mental illness, irrationalities, insecurities, inanities and insanities.
It's ok to be a beginner, an intermediate, a pro.
It's super-great if you get to pro right away. good on ya.
it's totally fine to start as a noob.
It's totally fine to take your time getting better.
It's totally fine to be really good, not practice, and then realize you suck a bit more then last time you tried it.
In short - it's been awhile since I've seen my insecurities so clearly - I'm not going to beat myself up for being back where I started. I'm going to give myself credit for the work I know I've done. I'll bookmark the fact that I still have more work to do.
And now, fuck this shit, I'm-a go watch Rupaul's Drag Race.