Some Harry Potter Thoughts

So I have two great posts outlined, but I spent ten and a half hours on Amtrak today and as such can barely spell my own name. So you get a smart post next week.

This week, you get a quick (and spoiler-filled) list of my impressions on the latest Harry Potter, which I saw over Thanksgiving with my cousins. If you haven't seen it yet, go read something else. I recommend something coherent.

1. So let's get this out of the way: it was a fairly decent movie. I feel like I've been watching the evolution of Steve Kloves's writing skills over the last ten (or however many) years, as he has gone from super-sucky to eh, nothing to write home about. A not inconsiderable improvement.

2. That said, there were still some clunker lines. The most obvious among them being, to my mind: Harry: We should get moving. Hermione: Ron's not strong enough to Apparate. Harry: Guess we'll go on foot. Next scene: Them in a completely different locale with none of the same geographic features. Me: Eyeroll. Exactly how many miles do three teenagers, one of them wounded, who are trying to keep out of sight, walk in a day?

3. That said, there were good lines. For example,  how awesome was it that Harry finally got the whole "dead parents" thing turned on him? That was epic. (I have an actor friend who, when he needed to build up frustrated teenage angst for a role, used to say he was channeling Harry Potter, circa movie number five. "My parents are dead!" he would yell, and then pop in and do an angsty scene, note-perfect, against all his natural inclinations.) Finally, finally, Ron, in the exact same tone of voice as Harry made so famous, yells "What do you know about it? Your parents are dead!" And despite the sadness that the line implies and the importance of it in terms of plot, I chortled.

4. SPEAKING of dead parents, where was the Harry Potter memorial? AHEM. I thought that a vital and beautiful part of the book, and was sad when the movie showed only a burned out house. The movie was two and a half hours already, Kloves. Another ninety seconds won't do much either way. Christ.

5. You can really see the camaraderie among the three leads now that they've been making movies together so long. It's nice; it mirrors the camaraderie the characters have in the books. The kids are clearly comfortable with each other, which I liked. (Not at all like the early movies.)

6. Still, though. I don't know if it's me or them, but those actors? LOOKED SO YOUNG. And TINY. I once saw Emma Watson in real life, and she is ridiculously small; but the whole movie I was going, I'm not sure you're old enough to be doing this! All the adult actors are still taller than you! Eat some spinach or something!

7. In other I-am-turning-into-someone's-grandma news, they should have been wearing way more winter clothing. They're on a camping trip in England in winter. I myself have lived in England and spent a couple of winters there. (I had the sense never to camp outdoors during that time.) I know that as a native Californian I expect to be rather warmer than England can generally provide. But still. Trust me when I say, a turtleneck and a sweater is going to do nothing for you. You need about four more layers, and at least two of them should be waterproof. It was distracting, how freezing I imagined all of them being. Don't even get me started on the whole stripping, diving into iced over water, coming out, putting on one shirt, and being fine scene. Because when you're magic you don't get hypothermia!

8. Something done really well: The opening scene, where Hermione removes her parents' memories of her. Beautifully done, and done in a cinematic, not literary, way. Unlike so many other scenes in this series.

9. Something done quite poorly: Assorted lines wherein someone yells, "But that's so dangerous!" Mates. I do not want to be the one to tell you this. But you are past that level. It was "so dangerous" back in movie two. Now it's just your life. Love it or leave it.

10. Proof that my gay and gay-friendly friends have totally rubbed off on me: In the dramatic moment, when Ron is destroying the Horcrux, it's taunting him with Harry and Hermione kissing, naked. (Tastefully fogged out for the younger viewers.) Ron, in love with Hermione himself, gets a determined look on his face and stabs it to stop the scene. Me (in my mind): You go Ron! Kill the heterosexuality! You know Harry really loves you! (My sister, when I told her that: God, you can't even pronounce "heterosexuality," can you? England was so bad for you.)

Things I Learned From the Movie Waitress

Certain things in my life are messy right now (seems problems of that sort hit many of the FnBs contributors simultaneously, which figures). Anyway, I'm not in much state to write a fresh perspective on something, so here's the next best thing: a list I wrote a few months ago after watching Waitress. Next week, look for a post about more current and more general media. Meantime, enjoy. -- Arcadian

Okay, yes, I watched Waitress. Any distress I feel is of course my own fault.  I caved! I wanted to see Nathan Fillion playing a straight romantic hero, instead of an anti-hero, or a tool-hero, or a goofy, womanizing hero. Surely it will be interesting to watch him play straight, I thought. It wasn’t like I paid any money for the privilege.

And, okay, I did not hate Waitress. I don’t think it was worth two hours of my life, but I didn’t hate it. I learned things from it! It was like going to school. You learn stuff, but not necessarily true stuff, or stuff you want to know, or stuff you’ll ever use again, and it takes much longer than it’s worth. Actually, the way I felt about this movie was more like a Bible-thumper going to an evolutionary biology class. Or an atheist going to a Bible study.

Okay, maybe I hated it a little.  But here are the things I learned. (Spoilers abound.)

1)    If thou art pregnant, thou shalt deliver. No matter how much you don’t want a baby, no matter what sort of environment you’re living in, no matter any other circumstances in your life, abortion is absolutely off the table. Having no money is no excuse to get rid of an unwanted baby. Being unable to make sense of your life is no excuse. Not feeling ready to take on the task of motherhood is no excuse. An abusive rapist of a husband is no excuse. Pregnancy means birth, dammit, and your feelings and circumstances are immaterial.

2)    Once thou deliverest, thou shalt adore thy baby, forever and ever amen. Giving birth is magical, and no matter what your feelings were before or during your pregnancy, when you get the baby you will have no mixed feelings whatsoever, but be filled with all-consuming love.

3)    Having thy baby will give thee the strength and courage to fix any problems in thy life, and will also potentially bring thee financial gain. Because giving birth makes you exhausted and in need of rest and relaxation in a really powerful, feminist way. Always. No matter what your previous feelings or behavior might have been.

4)    Afterbirth is totally for sissies. Never happens to you if you’re pretty, or Southern, or both. Also, the first sign of impending birth is not contractions, but your water breaking.

5)    If thou requesteth drugs of thy doctor, and thy doctor giveth thee drugs not, thou shalt never bring it up again, and it really maketh no difference at all. A request for drugs is the kind of thing doctors should take lightly from a woman in labor (especially if he's sleeping with her) and they should really just not listen when she talks at all!

6)    Thy abusive husband shall always take it crazy well when thou deliverest his baby and then immediately after requesteth divorce papers. Abusive husbands totally listen to you and believe you, they never try to bully you, they put up only a slight fuss and then they disappear from your life. They will never stalk you, or threaten you, or harm you, or make life difficult in any way (besides moderately financially) despite what their behavior up to this point might indicate.

7)    Thou dost not need a man to be happy in life, so long as thou hast a baby. I mean, you are a woman, right?  See above re: adoring the baby without any mixed feelings, and remember, you’re happier as a single mom than you ever could be alone.

8)    Someone announcing after a five-minute date that he is wildly in love with thee, stalking thee at thy place of work, and refusing to leave when thou clearly asketh him to is great husband material. Especially when you can see the hell your best friends are going through with their abusive and unhappy marriages.

9)    Boinking your married OB/GYN while you’re pregnant and have an abusive husband will never, ever backfire on you. In fact, it is the best plan ever, and will save you from yourself. Or something like that. Anyway, it’s okay to have an affair, just as long as you never ever have an abortion. Or even say the word “abortion.” That’s totally what makes bad people.

10)  Nathan Fillion doth not in fact have chemistry with all members of the tribe of Woman. Thank you, Keri Russell, for being the exception. We can all rest easy again, now that that question has been answered and Nathan is no longer trying to eat her face. (Have a sandwich, dude. You’ll feel better.)